NaBloPoMo 2010 Day 23 -- Turning Points

Life is full of turning points. Some we enjoy. Some we don't.

Some might say that the best turning points are those that lead to productive or positive changes and require the least blood, sweat and tears.

I'm not sure that I fall in that camp.

For me, it takes the adversity for the lessons that come at the turning points to make the appropriate impression on me. I can be thick like that.

Jen and I have been praying for something the last few years and that intensified over the last few weeks. The time spent over that time has been great for us, because it's put a number of things in perspective. Some we took for granted. Some we just needed to do better.

Today, we learned about another turn in this journey. Not so much a turn as another closed door. We've encountered a number of closed doors over this stretch. As noted above, I can be thick, so I kept looking for similar doors to open. So far, all of them have been closed.

Several months ago, Jen and I sensed that we needed to try a completely different door. I've been resistant for a number of reasons that don't need to be fleshed out here. At least not yet. But after today's news, I can no longer deny the need to stop focusing on the doors I've been focusing on and need to consider others. Doors close over and over for a reason. I'm starting to see that now.

I took a step in the new direction today with a simple email. No response yet, but sending the email itself was another turning point.

And we are trusting that the faithful and obedient step of sending a simple email may be enough to overcome the inertia that exists and open the next door for us.

Stay tuned.

NaBloPoMo 2010 Day 10 -- Long Day

Man, was this a long day. (And I didn't make it to bed last night on the postmeridian side of zero hour, either.) And I am dragging! But I don't want to deprive you of your daily dose of my "perspective" on life. I think I only have energy to share some of the things I noticed throughout my day:

1) Fall Foliage: Fall is my favorite season. I love the crispness in the air in the mornings. I love the vibrant colors when the leaves change. And autumn is the season of college football, so what's not to love about that? The name of this blog derives, in part, from my love of this season. I saw some great displays of fall color this morning.

2) Free internet: I had a few opportunities today to take advantage of free web access. Maybe it's a sign of my advancing age, but I am so hesitant anymore to jump on a free internet hotspot given all the email/Facebook hacking I've seen over the last 24 months. I might also be tired of paying the computer nazi to de-malware my computer. (If you need a computer repair, the computer nazi that we use is great. He's not German. He's Asian actually, but he's as no-nonsense as the "Soup Nazi" of Seinfeld lore. Hence the name. Sue me, Seinfeld! I dare you!)

3) Club sandwich: I do not recommend the club sandwich at a lunch meeting. Especially when the woman on the other side of the table only eats half of her turkey & swiss. Clubs are good, but that extra slice of bread is problematic. No one on the other side of the table should have to see how wide I can open my mouth and count my fillings as I try to cram that thing in my pie-hole and explain how I can help her business. Even when nothing flies out of the back end of the sandwich, the stress of worrying that I'm going to have a huge dollop of mayo on the side of my face after a bite wears on you.

I am going to sleep well tonight (fingers crossed). This has been one long day. See you tomorrow.

NaBloPoMo 2009 Day 15 -- Words

We heard a good message this morning at church about the power of words. David said that the average person speaks 16,000 words each day. (Jen would argue that I might do that in a week.) Regardless, we speak a lot of words over a lifetime, and they have an impact on those who hear them. Speaking words of encouragement is not something that comes naturally to me. Having a child though magnifies the importance of developing that skill. You would think that having a wife might, but what can I say? I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot! I'm not proud of that; just being honest.

But having K-Man around really does make messages like this morning's hit me in the face. And it's not just about saying words that build him up. It's as much about avoiding words that retard his enthusiasm. I need patience to deal with his off-the-charts energy. I'm not wired that way. I'm also not 3 years old. I need to adjust my reactions to things because it's not fair to him to expect him to have that much self-control. When I examine this, I generally come back to my selfishness. I get caught up in what I want to do or not do. It doesn't apply just to Kee's demands on my time either.

David made another good point this morning about the words we say. It's not just about words we say to others. We also need to stop saying a lot of the negative things we say to ourselves about ourselves. Is there a more powerful influence on our psyche than the words we let fly in our own heads? I think not.

Change

I don't generally get into New Year's resolutions. Not that I have anything against resolutions or people who make them every year. I think we need goals. I think we need things to keep us moving in a positive direction.

For 2009, I don't really have a resolution per se. But I am in a different position than I was in at the beginning of 2008. It's a different position than I was in on the last day of 2008 for that matter.

I left my position with the law firm at the end of the year. It was a long time coming. I have been tired of law firm life for a couple of years. I knew it. The firm knew it. But we both tried to make it work thinking that a switch might flip and bring me back to the fold -- so to speak. Alas, that switch was stuck in the off position.

We've known this situation was coming for a couple of months. The firm and I worked out the transition back in mid-October. If I may, I have to thank my firm for its patience with my efforts to figure out what I wanted to do and its efforts to help me find something that better fit my personality and my desire not to sacrifice my family for my career. I only worked at one firm after law school, and I wouldn't have wanted to work at another one. But for all the great things about that place, it just wasn't right for me. Eventually.

There was a time when I thought I'd be there for 30 years. I loved working 60-70 hours a week and the perks that came with it. I loved being everyone's go-to guy. Being the guy everyone knew they could call at or before 7:00 a.m. in an emergency. Being the guy who could be counted on to work 40 hours in a weekend to get a project done. Being a guy who could pull an all-nighter to get that last-minute brief written.

But all that came at the cost of less time for Jen. Less time for friends. Less time for family. Eventually, people stopped asking me to do things because they assumed I was working anyway. Who could blame them? Often when I was able to make it to things, I was either still thinking about work or too freakin' tired from work to be present. Even after I'd stopped working weekends, people still assumed I was working all the time.

Part of me got caught up in the idea that I should do my job with excellence, and that that meant I had to be at everyone's beck and call. And that meant I had to not be around for everything else that I "said" was important to me.

Even before K-Man came along, I knew I needed to review what I was doing compared to what I said was important to me. I knew things had to change. I tried to step back a little. I tried to commit to less. I tried to work fewer hours. But the firm needed to see performance. Law firms measure performance by the number of billable hours an attorney completes. I understand why. That's the economics of a law firm. I get why that is important to a law firm. But it's a crappy way to live. That drum beat never stops.

So it was time to quit pretending. It was time to go.

I don't know what is next, but I am enjoying exploring my options. I am looking at opportunities to work in-house as an attorney for a corporation. But I am also looking at things outside the legal world. I want to make the most of this opportunity to find something that fits me and fits what we need as a family. That may sound easy, but it's not. We are doing a lot of praying. And we are trusting the Lord to show us what's next.

What is holding you back?

What is holding you back?

I was talking to someone today, and this question came up. My problem is that the answer to that question has so many layers. I tend to overanalyze things. The phrase "paralysis by analysis" comes to mind to a certain extent. But that doesn't completely capture it. Some of what holds me back goes back to what I shared on Sunday. I tend to see obstacles and rather than take a shot at something different, I stick with what I know -- warts and all -- because there's a certain comfort in the known.

Now if I was talking to someone else who was thinking about what was holding them back, I would be encouraging them not to let doubts about the unknown prevent them from taking a chance on something that may better suit them. So why can't I give myself the same permission? Or why won't I give myself the same permission?

What holds you back?

Tomorrow

I heard a good message this morning at church. David was talking about worry. I think most people worry about something from time to time. Some worry more than others, but we all worry about stuff at some point. I've heard messages about worry and specifically about the passage in Matthew 6:25 that David talked about today. This wasn't one of David's messages that opens a new perspective on the Word for me (but there have been a few of those). But it was a perfect message for where I am at the moment. I don't really want to share all of the details of that just yet, but suffice it to say, I could identify with the other people in the room today who identified themselves as "worriers."

Here's what I heard about worry today (that takes David off the hook if I screw up the paraphrase of his message). The Lord knows that we are prone to worry. But he wants us to know that he wants to take those burdens from us. He provides. He wants to provide. What that provision looks like for me or you or your friend or your co-worker or your classmate or your neighbor is different. But he knows what would work best, and he wants to provide. That doesn't mean we can just sit around and wait for that provision. We have our part to play. We have to work. Or we have to go to school. Or both. Maybe we have to pray. Maybe we need to ask for help. Maybe in verbalizing what it is that is worrying us we are admitting that it is bigger than us, and we need the Lord's help.

So why don't we take advantage of the Lord's desire to help? Well, if you're like me, you probably don't have faith that the Lord really will help you. I'm not saying I don't believe the Lord can help me. I do. I do because I've seen it before. In my own life. So if I've seen it before, why do I continue to doubt that he'd do it again? Why is my faith so ephemeral? (David didn't answer this question today, but it got me asking myself that question.)

I don't know the complete answer to that question, but saying that "I am just human" is a trite cop out. I know that I am way too self-reliant. I spend too much energy thinking about (read: "worry about") all the negative ends that could be reached instead of doing what I can do and trusting that the Lord will provide what I/we need.

David shared a couple of images today. One was God with a closed fist and us prying it open to get him to open his hands to us. That is the picture many of us have about making our requests to God when those things we worry about come to the surface. We think we have to convince God to open up to us. In fact, he's sitting there with his hands open already to give us what we need. If we'll ask. Without the faith that he can and will provide for us, we don't bother. How much faith is enough? A mustard seed's worth. (David's second image)

David actually had mustard seeds for us to hold to get a visual for the passage in Matthew 17:20 where Jesus commented to his disciples that if they had faith the size of a mustard seed, they could move a mountain. I don't know if I have that much faith, but I have enough to loosen my grip on the things that I cling too tightly.

So what I'm trying to do is hold onto a Matthew 6:34 perspective: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Nourish

I am switching up the playlist on the blog for a while. This is a collection of songs that I have labeled "Nourish." I've had this list for a while but decided the time was right to add it. Given some of my experiences in Scotland and some other things I/we are praying about, this list is resonating with me right now. I figured why not share it with the handful of people who visit the site? Be nourished.

(Photo: sunset over Paisley, Scotland)

My Personal Scotland

I've been back since Wednesday afternoon but haven't really had time to sit down and let you know how my time in Scotland went. In sum, in was a good trip. (Ask Jen what I mean generally when I say something is "good.")

Scotland has a long tradition of revival and awakenings. In my own life, I've had revival moments where my walk with the Lord seemed perfectly in step. Over the last few decades, Scotland has not enjoyed that and many are praying for another revival or awakening (or a series of them) to overrun the nation. And for the last several years, my own walk with the Lord has been in need of an awakening -- a return to right relationship with God.

Over my 2 weeks in Scotland, I had the privilege of working with a group from my church on a mission trip to Scotland to present a youth camp for about 37 students from all over Scotland. In trying to show these kids what a relationship with the Lord is about and all that it entails, the Lord has spoken to me anew. I've been reminded what my first priority should be -- and why. The Lord says I am the way, the truth and the life. He said He came so that we may have life and have it abundantly or life to the fullest.

That abundant life has been missing from my daily life for quite a while. In fact, I often wondered if I'd ever experience it again. Over the last 2 weeks, the Lord showed me there is no need to wonder. He is available. He is present. He is waiting to hear from me regularly. He wants me to learn His voice. And I want and need all of that as well.

Now I've known those things for going on 22 years. But the workaday world -- with its stresses and responsibilities and distractions -- piled layers upon layers on my heart that made it easier and easier to forget the importance and power that comes with a life in tune with the Lord's desires for me.

We shared with the students on this trip that the Lord has a plan for their lives. That He loves them. That He pursues them. That they are special in His eyes. And the more I shared that with the students, the more the Lord said the same things to me. And that felt so good. As it washed over my spirit.

Many students in Scotland struggle with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. In fact, Scotland as a whole struggles with these strongholds. Over the last 5+ years, I've been in my personal Scotland -- thinking I could never overcome the struggles in my life and wondering where the way out is -- if there even was one. Over this time in Scotland though, the Lord showed me that my situation is not hopeless, and I am not worthless. And my heart is awakening at the reality of that.